She isn't an exhaustion
But a catalyst for the hours.
A temporary companion
Pieced by stiff shoulders,
By breasts.
Hands.
And hip bones.
Specific about wanting more
She attempts to seduce.
He's fixated with a door
"Is it a ruse?" "Nothing but a ruse."
Poetic?
Sounding pathetic?
Sounding, if at all?
The girl is young
Insecure, and by tenfold increased
As she falls for this Ming
Lover and trysts.
Twelve years more of feeling the sun's rays.
Twelve years more of music, books and films.
Twelve years more of wandering hands.
What's twelve years more?
A lifetime to him,
An insecurity to her.
And the fixation on the door.
But a catalyst for the hours.
A temporary companion
Pieced by stiff shoulders,
By breasts.
Hands.
And hip bones.
Specific about wanting more
She attempts to seduce.
He's fixated with a door
"Is it a ruse?" "Nothing but a ruse."
Poetic?
Sounding pathetic?
Sounding, if at all?
The girl is young
Insecure, and by tenfold increased
As she falls for this Ming
Lover and trysts.
Twelve years more of feeling the sun's rays.
Twelve years more of music, books and films.
Twelve years more of wandering hands.
What's twelve years more?
A lifetime to him,
An insecurity to her.
And the fixation on the door.
posted by m. at 9:48 PM
10 Comments:
Wow,
that was seriously good.
I really liked the flow and the mood.
the last two stanza's I think are the most powerful for me. the contrast between the first lines that start "twelve more years" with the last one really hits home.
Then the last stanza sounds almost self destructive and hopeless.
Sad
Oh, and the usage of third person really struck me as well!
Yeah.
I liked this too.
Has a real element of frustration
It's so intimate, yet impersonal at the same time. I love it.
Yeah, I agree Chloe. That is why I found it haunting. It's like self detachment
I liked it - there is a definate dichomotomy here, between sensitivity and insensitivity, between passion and unflinching aloofness.
I actually liked the opening stanzas; they served as deconstruction of sorts, by reducing things to the sum of their parts. These stood in stark contrast to stanza four - instead of a cold analysis we get some sort of inepretation, a search for meaning perhaps? The questions return in the final stanza as well, which ties things together neatly. These questions connotate compassion, and when juxtaposed with the cold, analytical fashion of the rest of the work it provides a lot of colour.
This reminds me of watching someone go down the wrong road, pretending not to care. I've been there before.
How do I become a part of this write club. This is good stuff.
On a related note, what the hell is a dichomotomy? Sounds like a brain procedure. I meant dichotomy.
thats buetiful. i love the flow. how each line is sudden and complete in itslef but thw whole piece is one entity.
it sounds so raw, so hurtful, and so confused. even though the person who is 'writing' understands what there is between them, they dont understand why it is so important.
i love how it moves to an end yet, there really is now end. in way it is very incomplete, and i want to know. what happens to them? can they get over the problem.
p.s. i dont mean to sniff u out erika, but did u write this? 'cause if u did A+, and i loved it. and if u didnt,well A+ to whoever did. and i f i spilled ur secert erika, i am sorry. but i actually wanna know.
I would say a dichotmoy is a brain procedure,
but I don't want to sound like a nerd.
Just give me your e-mail and I can add you
Cool!
wrath_of_conan@hotmail.com
If I do not know the riddle of steel Crom will cast me out of Valhalla! Laugh at me!
Post a Comment
<< Home