Miss Icarus
'Self destruct mode'
I heard those words
Spoken of you
Imagination wild
Paints a horrible picture
Watching you fly
Too close to the Sun
For no better reason
Than fear of the ground.
Come back down.
Burn your wings.
Look at him nearest
And remember what happened
When he didn't burn his.
They finally broke
When he hit the ground
Is that what you want,
Unpainted clown?
But discipline fled
Sometime before
Now emotion controls you
Dangerous, Impulsive
Ruling your head.
You always return
Like a moth to flame
To put out the light.
I pray for the rain.
I heard those words
Spoken of you
Imagination wild
Paints a horrible picture
Watching you fly
Too close to the Sun
For no better reason
Than fear of the ground.
Come back down.
Burn your wings.
Look at him nearest
And remember what happened
When he didn't burn his.
They finally broke
When he hit the ground
Is that what you want,
Unpainted clown?
But discipline fled
Sometime before
Now emotion controls you
Dangerous, Impulsive
Ruling your head.
You always return
Like a moth to flame
To put out the light.
I pray for the rain.
posted by Ultra Toast Mosha God at 2:52 AM
6 Comments:
Stellar! Some of your best stuff yet, no doubt about it. There are a couple of lines in there that I wish I had written myself, which to me shows how good it is; I allways like to read things that make me go "why didn't I think of that first?", which is much more engaging than someone trying to speak over my head with overcomplicated semantic worship.
Excellent stuff. If I had written it, however, I might have tried to make it a bit more concise (but that's just my style); maybe chop a stanza? Then again, it's a pretty meaty poem, not much fat to trim, really.
Which one would you have chopped?
I enjoyed this. The double nuance of "Miss Icarus" is lovely – not only as a reflection of a role in a relationship that once soared and then fell, but also reflective of the emotion remaining post-fall.
The last line sums it up nicely.
i really liked this one. very powerful and emotional and most of all, relatable.
the rhyme scheme worked really well, and mornally i am not the biggest fan of rhyme scheme but it aided in the flow of this.
i do kinda agree with tom- i think the stanza "
You like the idea
of deserting the fire
The heat of the Sun
That you seem to desire."
isnt super neccasary and could make the overall piece more poignant.
that being said, i think it is very strong as a whole and very satsifying to read.
It has been ejected, indeed, for the better.
Assistance appreciated, people
I might have chopped stanza number one - but that's just me. Like I said, the rest of this poem is gold.
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